Does Burning Sensation constitute a clear and present danger to the our nation's morals and standards? Judge for yourself.
We obtained the document below through methods best left undescribed (John, man, I never knew a human being could DO that), and cannot vouch for its authenticity. We are releasing it here purely in the best interests of the public.
INTERNAL MEMO: DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY
To: Thomas Ridge, Director of Homeland Security
From: Special Investigations Unit
Re: Possible Threat -- Burning Sensation
Pursuant to Agency Directive THC-8675309, the SIU has been investigating a potentially subversive cell known by the cover-name of Burning Sensation. We have made the following findings:
1. The organization, masquerading as a "band," is planning a public display of its power and intentions on March 29, 2003 at a house in the Adams-Morgan neighborhood of Washington, DC, specifically at 1731 U Street, NW.
2. This demonstration will include signficant releases of music, light, alcohol and, we fear, pent-up party energy only a mile from the White House. Scores of guests are expected to arrive at or before 10 pm to participate in a celebration that could raise the roof with devastating consequences for all involved. Neighborhood residents are apparently in serious danger: the party hosts contend that people "will be blown away." The performance part of the evening will end by midnight (note: the witching hour), but the party itself will go on until all hours.
Burning Sensation previously exhibited its potential for public disruption some two years ago, when a demonstration at the same location yielded a level of behavior that viewers still speak of with a dangerous mix of fear, awe and excitement. Apparently, various acts occurred during and after the party that stretched the boundaries of good taste and public decency, and a number of reputations sustained significant damage.
We fear that this year's "performance" will be even more dangerous -- the organization has more songs, more volume, and more surprises than ever before. Apparently, those involved have created a fiendish combination of lights and sound that could cause partygoers to lose control of themselves and surrender to their most elemental desires. Some of the apparatus is being transported all the way from Illinois, where one of the cell members has established a hidden laboratory.
The Burning Sensation organization presents a particularly serious threat because of its composition: three scientists, one known foreigner, an argumentative Texan, and (apparently) other "mystery guests" with unknown capabilities and intentions. Members include Matt Stevens, Colin Delany, Dr. David Branning, Dr. John Elliott and Dr. Peter M. Vallone.
All attempts to infiltrate Burning Sensation have proven to be unsuccessful. Particularly disastrous was the plan to introduce organization members to several female agents from Attorney General Ashcroft's Morality Squad: the agents were soon seduced by the Burning Sensation's primary singer, John "Doctor of Love" Elliott, and joined the Burning Sensation entourage. All attempts to contact them since have been violently rebuffed.
Findings: A party will be held at 1731 U Street, NW on March 29, 2003 that significantly threatens order and decency in our nation's capital. The party will be an early event -- guests must arrive at or before 10 pm to be a part of the full spectacle. They should bear in mind that parking in the neighborhood is nothing short of hellish, and that they should leave reason and inhibition behind. Come early, come often.